I have not updated the blog in almost a year. I have had things to say and share and somehow they never made it onto ‘paper’. But yesterday stopped me in my tracks. I had a regular check-up scheduled and I needed to bring Lydia with me. As we drove Lydia began asking questions. Big ones about when she was in China. She said, “Mommy, how did I grow in a tummy in China?” I said, you grew in a womans tummy and God made you grow. He formed you. He made every part of you. There was silence. And then after a few long moments Lydia said in the most sincere voice. “Mommy, that was a big miracle.”
Yes, it was. I pulled into the parking lot totally overcome with wonder at this little girl. Wondering at how Lydia, in her little four year old self is able to, in some sense comprehend the idea of her little life being a miracle. I took a breath, grabbed her hand and checked-in at the desk. Lydia charmed the nurses, told me ‘good job’ as I stepped on the scale and then we were taken to our room. We walked down a long hallway, and I dropped Lydia in the childcare. As we walked, I had a pit in my stomach, because I knew the room we were headed to. The office has many patient rooms, but we were headed to a room tucked around the corner from the main area. The ultrasound room. This was not a happy room for me. This was the room, where Drs with stoic faces searched for heartbeats. This was the room where weeks of tentative joy, turned into long silences and quiet tears. Sometimes not so quiet tears. This room meant more bloodwork and more waiting. This room is where our dreams had ended, three times in a row. I hated this room. But there I was, staring at the ultrasound machine, updating my dear Midwife on life and all it’s fullness. I shared about Lydia, and how she is thriving. I shared about the boys and Lars and life and ministry. The ups and downs and mainly how grateful I am. She listened, as did the student working with her.
It was somehow a strange and beautiful full-circle moment. And I was struck with how strangely sacred that exam room was. For some it was a joyous room, where life had been confirmed and celebrated. For others it was a room where dreams had ended and questions filled the air. For others still, it was an exam room, where health was affirmed or perhaps a difficult diagnosis shared. It was important for me to be in that room. And the fact was, that room, and all of the loss and sadness it held for us, was what ushered us into our adoption journey. That exam room, was an important part of our story. How gracious of God to redeem even a room for me. I walked out of the exam room, overcome. And as I held Lydia’s hand I was filled with gratefulness for the ‘big miracle’ of this little girl. And how very able God is, to bring beauty from ashes.